Opening Up.

Well hello there.

It’s been awhile hasn’t it? A whole 6 months or so?

Oops.

I have been consumed with the thoughts in my head and haven’t had the room to think about typing them up. Apparently it can be therapeutic though so here I am. I need some therapy. 

Before I get into what I really want to talk about, here’s a little update on my life:

  • I am over halfway done with my Senior year of College. I’m still trying to let that sink in. Why did I think majoring in English was the right thing to do? I didn’t think, which is part of the problem.
  • I am working at the UW Police Department and it is seriously the best job I have ever had. I was born to do this job. No, I am not trying to be a police officer like a select few of you seem to think, but I work in Records; I read crime reports all day long. So I suggest you be on your best behavior around the U-District, unless you want me to read about your criminal activities. It may not sound very exciting to you, but I am living in a real life law and order show and I love it.
  • I am no longer terrified of graduation! I never thought I would be ready but now that I have found a job that I love and I know the direction I want to go, I can’t wait for it to come. June 2016, I’m ready for ya.

Okay, now you have a slight little update on my life.

Now, the main reason for my post.

OPENING UP

WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?

Now, I’m not the most social person in the world (duh). Unless I have an uncanny connection with you straight from the beginning, it will take quite awhile before you really get to know me.

But apparently, I have an opening up problem. Multiple people on many different occasions have told me that I’m “too quiet”, that I need to “just talk”, and I need to “open up more”. I used to think I was an open book. Ask me anything and I’ll tell you anything. But you want me to just talk about myself? What does that even mean?

Positive Experiences

Is that what I’m supposed to tell you about? The first time I went to Disneyland? The third time I went to Disneyland and had a personal tour guide? Do I tell you about my trip to Italy? Where I met two of my very best friends and became a pizza snob? Or about the time I took a Christmas Cruise to the Caribbean with my entire family and kissed a dolphin? Or when I went to Greece and walked 5 miles just for Mexican food? What about the long road trips my Dad and I used to take driving all the way down to Sacramento because he was too scared to fly. Is that what I talk about?

Negative Experiences

Or do I get really deep with you and tell you about all the negative things that have happened in my life? How I found out my parents were getting divorced when I was 10 years old? How I found out Santa wasn’t real by pure mishap and then I had to act like I didn’t know come Christmas time? How I can remember every single time I’ve ever gotten in trouble at school? How the first movie I ever saw was Tarzan and it traumatized me for life and is probably one of the reasons I’m so emotional? Do I make it uncomfortable and tell you about my Dad passing away when I was 16 and how I essentially distanced myself from all my friends that year too? Is that how I open up?

Likes and Dislikes

Do I stay on the surface level and tell you everything I like and dislike? I like apples because that’s what I grew up on and if you ask my mom she’ll tell you a funny story about me screaming for apple juice in the middle of the night when I was two. I dislike people mispronouncing my name because you literally say it how it is spelled. Sunflowers are my favorite flowers because you can’t help but smile when you see them and they brighten up any hospital room. I dislike raw tomatoes because they are disgusting and my Mom used to make me choke them down before I could have dessert. My favorite animals are Gorilla’s because Tarzan duh.

Everything Else

Even better, am I supposed to be awkward and talk about my insecurities? No because people don’t like that right? They like confident people. Do I tell you my fears? Real fears or irrational fears? Pirates, Ferris Wheels, and Spiders? Or the more serious fears about life, death, and the future? Do I tell you about all my hopes, dreams, wishes, goals, beliefs, and values? 

Apparently I can start to open up to you here, because I can’t see your face. I can’t see your reactions to what I have to say and I am not completely terrified of your opinion of me. Do I explain to you why I am so scared to open up to you? Because if you know everything about me then you know just how to hurt me. What if I tell you everything about me and then you decide you don’t like me? 

How is me protecting myself from potential hurt the one thing that is hurting me? Isn’t that just cruel? Where is that carefully balanced line and how do I walk it? HELP.

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2 thoughts on “Opening Up.

  1. First I would like to commend your writing …..Beautiful people seem to know how to express themselves in a way we can relate to the experiences you’ve had and the feelings you have. You have a piece of my heart and I ‘m not asking for any of it back. Karlayna thank-you for sharing .
    Love , Jan

    Liked by 1 person

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